Raiderdamusí Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Seahawks

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We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The EditorGreetings Marshawn Lynch Jersey , Raider Nation! It is I, the man of the hour, the tower of power too sweet to be sour, using 500 horsepower to make fools run and cower, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. The Raiders may be a little disappointing this year, but Raiderdamus and the Great Beyond will never let you down. With the goal in mind of edifying and entertaining each and every one of you as I do every week, Iíve once again entreated the aid of the Great Beyond to give us a clue as to the fate of the Raiders this week. The message I received is as follows. Fall on your faces, o mortals, and cower in fear and trepidation:ďYouíre back again! All that optimism you had about the Raidersí season has to be down the tubes now. But you keep summoning me, and because I have nothing better to do Iíll keep sending these messages. Who are you playing this week? The Seahawks? And where is the game? Oh, thatís gotta suck.The people of Seattle like everything fast and convenient, except their commutes. They are busy folks, and donít have time to wait to use a bathroom when walking down the street or find a trash can when shooting up heroin on the sidewalk. Itís for this reason that theyíve exchanged the quality of decent coffee for Starbucks and the wholesome goodness of actual food for 7-11. There are, in fact, 44 7-11 locations in the greater Seattle area. But 7-11 is the finest Seattle can hope for, because the Seahawks are 5-11 at best. This year, that might be good enough for second place in the NFC West.The Seahawks have two things going for them at this point, Russell Wilson and Pete Carroll. They will have to shell out big bucks to keep Wilson past 2019, but surely they donít fear Carrollís departure. Itís not like heís known for jumping ship and bolting as soon as his team starts to fall apart and the heat gets turned up. Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty ImagesWilson, on the other hand, might stay just for sentimental reasons. Russell Wilson makes Ben Carson look like Louis Farrakhan. He does a ton of charity work with sick kids in the Seattle area at childrenís hospitals. But those kids need to get some perspective, because cancer will treat them far better than the Seahawks ever will.Photo by Michael Buckner/Getty Images for Celebrity Fight NightIf you ever have the misfortune of finding yourself in the Seattle area, you will see plenty of people wearing Seattle #12 jerseys that say ďMANĒ on the nameplate. This is because Seattleites are not true fans and donít know the names of any of their players, and so their favorite Seahawks player is... themselves.Photo by Elsa/Getty ImagesOkay first of all Susan, you donít play for the Seahawks so sit the fuck down. Youíre not a part of the team, you pay to sit in the stands and yell in the rain. I mean, Raider fans have Raider Nation, and itís important to dress up and act crazy, but we donít make jerseys that are essentially masturbatory fantasies about being part of the team. On the contrary, the chief purpose of Raider Nation is to scare the ever-living shit out of all opposing fans. The only people Seattle fans scare are the poor Colombian slaves who harvest their coffee.Seattleís weather is such garbage, it doesnít even make sense to have a football team there. Maybe the Seahawks should move to a nicer part of the country. Somewhere warmer and drier, with some clay instead of mud. Somewhere like Oklahoma City. Why, that would be just super! Iím almost to the goal line here, but itís getting tiresome and predictable to keep running these jokes down your throat, so maybe I should just pass.But I have to give it to Seattle fans, they are some of the most longsuffering people in the country. They support the Mariners unfailingly, and despite holding the record for most wins in a season and some of the best players in baseball history (Randy Johnson, Alex Rodriguez, Ken Griffey Jr. and Ichiro Suzuki), they have never won shit and will never win shit. The Seahawks actually have won a Super Bowl, and every Seahawk fan was allowed to stay up well past their bedtime by their mommy and daddy to watch as they trounced Denver to win it. The following year, when they were in third grade, they also got to stay up to watch Seattle lose to New England.The Seahawks have had some truly tremendous players in their history. Steve Largent, Chris Warren, Kenny Easley, Shaun Alexander, Walter Jones, Cortez Kennedy. Of course, no true Seahawk fan is old enough to remember any of them. But Raider fans remember one Seahawk great in particular:People say the Seahawksí offensive line is terrible, but I beg to differ. Iíve never seen a line shut down the running game the way they can, itís uncanny. And Iíve never seen a defensive line protect the quarterback the way theirs does. Seattleís drafting is so bad, it makes the Cardinals look like the Vikings. They had one good draft in 2012 and have been riding it ever since. This year, they drafted Rashaad Penny, one of the best rushers in college football history, but in their infinite wisdom have made the undrafted Chris Carson their featured back. Prized second-round pick Malik McDowell did more damage in the back of a cop car than he did on the field.This game will be played in London Jared Cook Jersey , a market the NFL values so highly they send the Jaguars over there each year. Itís a country whose football hooligans in every stadium make the Black Hole look like Augusta National. They sing racist songs and shoot flares onto the field while both teams take turns not scoring- just like a Jaguars game! England has a long history with raiders, having first been pillaged by the Norsemen in AD 793. The Seattle defense is pillow-soft and should put up just as much fight as did the monks of Lindisfarne.The Seahawks donít have many of the things which once made them the most feared team in the league. They donít have a competent secondary, a fierce four-man pass rush, or innovative schemes on either side of the ball. But what they do have, is Bobby Wagner and Russell Wilson, and on Sunday, that might just be enough.Seahawks win, 26-16.Ē The season for the Raiders is just over a week behind us. Now itís time we look back at the compilation of Ballers & Busters for that 4-12 campaign. As there often is, even in a season that had a lot of ugliness, there were some who offered hope. But, of course, in a lost season, there is also plenty of blame to go around.As we typically do ó mainly because the name suggests a specific order ó we will start with those who offered hope. Before we move on to pointing fingers.BallersRodney HudsonMr dependable was the best player on the field for the Raiders much of the season. Though because he plays probably the least glamorous position, you may not have noticed. Thatís because, unlike a lot of positions, when heís at his best, you likely wonít hear his name. Hudson was six times a Baller, which is a lot for an offensive lineman who typically will have no stats to his name. Also impressive was not being named a Buster once, despite being in a position that can very easily get the blame if something goes wrong. A lot went wrong with the Raiders offensive line too, including injuries and starting rookie tackles. Hudson was invaluable which is also why he was named my team MVP.Doug Martin, Marshawn LynchLike two runners in a relay race, Marshawn got the ball first and was named a Baller four times and Top Baller once in just six games. After week six he was lost to a groin injury and handed the baton to Martin. Over the final ten games, Martin was a Baller five times including finishing strong, being named Top Baller each of the final two weeks of the season. Both backs were running on pace for 1000-yard seasons over a full 16 games.Jared CookIt was a career year for Cook as he was the Raiders leading receiver (896 yards) and Derek Carrís top target most of the season (101 targets). He was named a Baller six times and Top Baller twice. Unlike last season, he didnít disappear from the offense in the second half of the season. Though that play in the finale in Kansas City that resulted in a pick six was not how he wanted to end his season.Jordy Nelson You want to talk about finishing strong. Nelson had a couple good games early in the season, but by week 10, he was looking like he was done. There were even rumors he was seriously contemplating retirement. He was hobbled by an injury, missed a game because of it, and was clearly not 100% when he returned the following week. Then miraculously, he exploded. Out of nowhere, he would earn Top Baller in week 13 with 10 catches for 97 yards and was a Baller each of the final five weeks, putting up 386 of his 739 yards on the season over those five games. That earned him his 2019 roster bonus early, which all but guarantees he will be back to play the second year of his 2-year contract with the Raiders. Quite a turnaround.Gareon ConleyAnother strong finishe was Gareon Conley. Over the first half of the season, he looked like a rookie struggling to catch up to the speed of the NFL. Mainly because he kinda was a rookie being that he missed all but a game and a half of his actual rookie season and then missed most of this yearís training camp as well. After the bye week, he looked like he had finally turned the corner. Week 11 he was named a Baller for the first time on the season. And he rattled off three straight. Then he was the best defender on the field for the Raiders in the season finale in Kansas City. While Pat Mahomes was picking on the other Raiders corners, he mostly stayed away from Conley. And Conley still picked him off for his team-leading third interception of the season.Seth RobertsThere was a time last offseason when reports of trade talks were heating up surrounding Seth Roberts. They ended up keeping him around, possibly because his salary and dead money made him more valuable on the team than off it. And like he has done time after time, he proved to be a valuable asset. With Amari Cooper traded, Martavis Bryant suspended, and Brandon LaFell on injured reserve, Roberts saved the Raiders bacon. He would be named a Baller four times over the final seven games and Top Baller once. Not just for what he does as a receiver ó catching 45 passes for 494 yards and two touchdowns ó but for his willingness and ability to do the dirty work. He is a surprisingly great blocker despite his slight frame. Those duties go unnoticed by a lot of people who only pay attention to receivers when they catch the ball. But they donít go unnoticed by his coaches and teammates and they donít go unnoticed by me.Daniel Carlson The uncovered gem of the season for the Raiders. Picked up midseason as an injury replacement, he proved the鈥m鈥ifth time was the charm for the Raiders who went from Giorgio Tavecchio (cut) to Eddy Pineiro (IR) to Mike Nugent (IR) to Matt McCrane (cut) to finally finding their guy in Carlson. The rookie fifth round pick by the Vikings was signed in week 8, missed a field goal in week 9, and then didnít miss again. He hit 15 straight field goals and went 16 of 17 overall with three field goals from 50 yards out as well as being perfect on extra points. He was named a Baller three times.Dwayne Harris Harris didnít even show up on the radar over the first half of the season. But in week 13, he made a play that was so savvy, it confused the TV announcers and most of the viewing audience by intentionally stepping out of bounds as he fielded a punt at the one-yard-line which got it placed at the 40-yard-line. That was the first of three Baller nods for Harris. The other two were the final two games of the season, the first of which he had a 99-yard punt return touchdown. The Broncos thought they had saved a touchback only to give up a touchdown. It was the first score in the Raiders best game of the season in what may have been the last game in Oakland Coliseum.Honorable MentionErik Harris Ė Harris proved he can do more than just play special teams, earning himself a Baller label three times, one time even landing Top Baller. He may be a contender for a starting safety spot next season.Gabe Jackson Ė Despite again struggling with injuries, Jackson was thrice named a Baller and once a Top Baller. He and Hudson were lone bright spots on that offensive line.Johnathan Hankins Ė Hankins was a good find this season. He was signed after week one and was a key part of the Raiders rotation at nose tackle especially with Justin Ellis out most of the season with injury. Hankins was three times a Baller, twice Top Baller.Maurice Hurst Ė Late injury issues shortened his season, but he showed great promise, three times named a Baller. He led the team with 4.0 sacks from the interior defensive line spot. Get him some help outside, and he could make some noise.Karl Joseph Ė Joseph was a late bloomer on this defense. By seasonís end he was showing up with some big hits and coverage to be named a Baller twice.Continue to the Busters
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